Emergency Questions: 1001 conversation-savers for any situation

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Generally reserved for uncooperative pets, the admonishment to Wordsworth the dog was delivered by Jamie’s mother at the conclusion of every episode of ITV children’s programme Jamie And The Magic Torch. Which celebrity do you think is the most likely to have a collection of the severed fingers of his or her victims made into a bizarre necklace that he or she wears when they’re away from the spotlight?

Would you rather live in the waxy ear of a grumpy giant, eating only what flies in there by accident and not being able to make a noise for fear of a huge cotton bud, or live in Middlesbrough? Meanwhile, in the absence of any halfway decent way of concluding this long-winded introduction, I’ve literally just picked out a random question from the first Emergency Questions book. I’m about as resolute a sceptic as you’re liable to, well, encounter, so the answer is unsurprisingly no. If I could understand why I find them so hysterical, then frankly I’d understand a lot more about myself. Anyway, Ringo’s original crisp vision involved a much smoother, flatter and indeed more Skip-like texture, before later being relaunched with a more rough and earthy texture and a much more compact shape.

Artificial Intelligence: If you had the opportunity to choose between the ability to fly and the ability to walk through walls, but were told that you could only use one of these powers to solve a conundrum, would you be more inclined to soar through the sky or penetrate the walls of reality? People are going to get mightily fed up with stuff suddenly disappearing and being expected to pay for it twice.

Would you rather have to keep two raw, shelled eggs in your cheeks at all times, one in each cheek, or have a jaw made out of glass?You can still use the dishwasher for dishes if you choose to wash your clothes in the dishwasher and you can wash your clothes in the washing machine if you do your dishes there. Richard has been meaning to clean the drain outside his kitchen ever since he moved into his new house two years ago. Picking on my numb and distraught tribute to Jo – which you can find here – is just plain fucking weird.

Garreth Hirons talked about Sizzlin’ Bacon Monster Munch on one of his Looks Unfamiliar appearances and we not unreasonably concluded that Piers Morgan was responsible for its current unavailability. I refuse to back down on this and what’s more frankly consider a lot of Van The Man’s output to be bafflingly overrated; compared to a lot of other cultier and more progressive acts of the time – and even some straight-up pop bands – it all feels a bit clinical and corporate. What was the worst thing that a relative bought you something for Christmas that wasn’t quite what you wanted but you had to pretend to like it anyway? Not strangest as such, but well worth worth mentioning – I saw the Robert Pershing Wadlow statue from Record Breakers in ‘person’ once. Would you rather have real-life VAR (the controversial Video Assistant Referee used in football matches) […] or only be able to earn a living as a look-alike of someone famous?

If you had to have your genitals stapled to the face of a celebrity, and had to walk around for the rest of your life with your genitals stapled to their face, if you had to, which celebrity would you have your genitals stapled to and how do you imagine you would negotiate with them about whose turn it is to do stuff? It’s true; everyone else seemed to prefer Taffy Dare – the blonde big-haired Southern-accented one who said ‘ZOWIE! Norris, but only because of the Fist Of Fun sketch with Simon Quinlank tormenting him by phoning him at 3am and asking what is the biggest leaf. Containing 1,001 conversation starters from one of our most cherished comedians, along with plenty of answers from the many household names who’ve appeared on his podcast, this book is virtually guaranteed to remove any social anxiety from your life, and will raise your repartee-game to new heights.